Stop, Rewind, Redo – Examples of Edits

My first full round of editing with Wendy is complete (wahoo!) – received, applied, and full post-application read through – check, check, and check. The updated manuscript for Blue Violet is now in her capable hands for round two of the editing process. I’ve already blogged about some of the more frequent and favorite edits and comments I received from Wendy during round one. I thought it might also be interesting to share some examples of some small portions of the manuscript that got reworked a bit based on the feedback received. 

Below are two small “before” and “after” passage examples.  These paragraphs may get changed up even more during the round two editing process, but I have to say that my personal opinion is the changes so far are an improvement on the original.  I am especially curious to see is if during the writing of my follow-on book to Blue Violet I am able to apply what I have learned during this editing process as I write. I hope so. 
Example #1 – Tightening up a wordy paragraph that’s somewhat confusing

Original Text: She and Griffin were extraordinary even by the standards of other people born with these types of abilities. According to their mother, the abilities they had were genetic, passed down from parent to child. It didn’t always happen that a child would inherit the power, but it was a dominant trait, and therefore any parent with a power would usually pass it on to any child he or she had. If the child did inherit the ability, they would have the same power as the parent, although often with a subtle twist or variation on it. Of course, people with these abilities were so rare that most only had one power because they’d only had one parent with a power to pass on.

Wendy’s Edits: Various edits in the above, plus a comment that the paragraph still needed tightening even after her edits, as well as previous suggestion to give “people with powers” a name.
Text Redone: She and Griffin were extraordinary, even compared to other Svatura. Abilities were genetic, passed from parent to child typically with a subtle variation. Of course, people with these powers were so rare, most only had one.
Example #2 – Changing “telling” into “showing”

Original Text: Another complication she had discovered while listening in on the various thoughts at the table was that Adelaide, Addison, and Nate were clearly a part of this high school clique.

Wendy’s Edits: Can you show us this? Show her “hearing” these thoughts that she is picking up? Even a few sentences…
Text Redone: As she listened to their thoughts, she caught a very subtle strain that snagged her attention.
…Delia better be right, that this girl is nice, thought one girl.
…Man, Nate was right.  She’s hot, a boy was thinking.
…As long as she doesn’t hit on Brian, she’s cool, thought another girl.  In fact several of the girls at the table had thoughts along that line.
…I wonder why Adelaide’s acting so weird. She’s too shy to approach someone she doesn’t know, was a finally train of thought Ellie picked up on.
Adelaide, Lila, and Nate were clearly a part of this high school clique. In fact, based on a few passing thoughts of the people at the table, it seemed as if it was Adelaide who’d helped to orchestrate Ellie’s invitation to join them for lunch. Ellie silently gave Adelaide top marks for skills of subtle manipulation, and decided to play along.

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